Consider the hippopotamus’s bottom. When a hippopotamus feels the need to relieve itself (to be polite), it rotates that stubby little tail it has as quickly as it can, thereby causing the wind conditions needed to spread the product of said relief as far and wide as it possibly can … a classic zoological case of the fan hitting the shit.

It does this to mark out its territory as far and as wide as it can manage. This is, of course, to demonstrate that it is the biggest, baddest, meanest hippo in the neighbourhood.

My interest in the rather unsavoury bowel movements of hippopotamus amphibious (to give the beast its technical name) was sparked the other day during a conversation with a local acquaintance about last week’s blog. Essentially, he challenged my comments about offending Maltese sentiments on the basis that I do a comprehensive job of that myself at times. I did, and do, take issue with the “comprehensive” notion: I admit to the fact that I am frequently critical, and harshly so, of certain aspects of Maltese society – the government, politicians, official agencies, all sorts of institutions, self-appointed experts, hunters and so on.

I freely confess to the further fact that my approach and my language is rather less inhibited than Malta is used to in its journalism … so I do offend certain people. But “comprehensive” – no: the folk I offend are, in my opinion, well deserving of being offended. And, by a rough rule of thumb, I reckon they amount to no more than 10% of the Maltese population. Which leaves 360,000 souls I haven’t offended (yet??).

I like to think that I am writing on their behalf.

During the same conversation I mentioned earlier, my acquaintance also questioned why I spent so much time in Malta when there was so much here that I obviously found distasteful - a point which, in fairness, has been made before. My reply was straightforward: simply because there are some aspects of Maltese society I dislike, primarily its entrenched wannabe, would be, has been and never-will-be “leaders,” does not mean that I am against Malta and the Maltese.

On the contrary, I love the people of these islands. You are, quite simply, one of the warmest, most welcoming, kindest folk in Europe. The Maltese are the reason I spend so much time in Malta and the Maltese are the reason I write for maltastar.

If I ever needed proof of this – which I don’t – my spell in Mater Dei last month would have underlined it. My wife and I were overwhelmed by the offers of help and messages of support and encouragement from friends, neighbours and acquaintances. We have even been rebuked by some neighbours for not telling them I was in hospital.

On a very personal note, I am very, very grateful to M.C. and The Lark for their messages on maltastar. They are much appreciated.

So, I am entirely comfortable here in Malta. I feel like I am among friends.

That said, being back in harness now, I intend to spend a Happy New Year continuing to attack and criticise those institutions and individuals who fail my friends. The sad truth of the matter is that the people of Malta deserve so much better from the organisations and bodies that claim to “run” this country. From the official government down - or up, according to your point of view - they are, basically, pathetically incompetent.

Let me quote just a few examples. This week, the gonzipin government announced … with a great fanfare of strumpets … that seven years (seven bloody years!!!) after the legislation was passed in Parliament, men and women arrested and accused of a crime will finally have limited access to legal advice “during” their interrogation. The reason for the delay was apparently because the involvement of lawyers after arrest (a practice commonplace in all civilised European countries for decades) might “make it more difficult for the police to obtain convictions.”

It would be interesting (to say the least) to compare the Maltese plods’ arrest and conviction rates during the time when they didn’t have such interference with those of other European police forces during the same period … not that I am holding my breath waiting for such information to be released.

Malta’s police are, after all, the force that sent no fewer than four officers to arrest a wee lassie whose alleged offence was carrying a wee dug on a beach. Gawdalone knows what it would have taken if it had been a big dug - presumably borrowing a 70-tonne main battle tank from the Italians. This is the force that involved six or seven officers to arrest – forcibly - an ill shop-owner. This is the force that carelessly let a suspect in custody fall, slip, be pushed over a bastion wall to his death. This is the force that shot and killed a mentally disturbed man because he had a pen-knife (a pen-knife!!!) several years ago. This is the force that has got precisely nowhere investigating the killing in Birkakarra a couple of years ago when a man was shot in a public bar in broad daylight.

Enquiries, yes: results – zero!

Would you trust this bunch to find their buttocks using both hands??

Once people pass from the hands of the police, they find themselves in the care of the law courts. Ah yes, the judicial system … a system where a Chief Justice can be found guilty a taking bribes, sentenced to a very lenient penalty and immediately whisked off – not to prison but to the comparative comfort of a hospital. And there, according to media reports, he is being visited on a regular basis by (former) judicial and legal colleagues who presumably, as I write, are reassuring him that, if he keeps taking the “stupid” tablets, they’ll have him out of there on compassionate grounds in next to no time.

Cynical, moi??? Would anyone like to place a bet with me on what part of his sentence the former Chief Justice will serve in the Corradino and what proportion will be in Mount Carmel? Presumably this is all right because he crossed himself as the verdict was announced. Pity he failed to remember his religious convictions before he trousered the brown envelope!

This is a justice system that will prosecute the editor of a university newspaper at the behest of the university rector, when most real rectors of real universities would rather have their wisdom teeth extracted without benefit of anaesthetic rather than see the police anywhere near their campuses.

But this is Malta. And it is all down to the incontinent hippopotamus’s example. The great and the good here are all so busy spreading their ordure as far and wide as they can to mark out their territories that they ignore what they are elected, selected, appointed and paid to do – to serve the Maltese people, and to protect and further the interests of this country.

Well, I am back and I do not intend to let them forget it.